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Dealing with the loss of a child

Post: #1
03-13-2012, 09:14 PM
member53668 Offline
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Dealing with the loss of a child

In 2005 I ended up pregnant and my fiancee and I were prepared to
welcome another baby girl into the ranks of our family. When I went to
my first ultrasound, my OB-GYN sent me to a specialist for a more
'in-depth' ultrasound, not really telling me why, but leaving me with enough
curiosity and concern that I slept a total of 5 hours that week.

When I finally had the 2nd ultra-sound, the specialist confirmed what the OB-GYN suspected; the baby had Turner's syndrome. Turner's Syndrome is a genetic condition where the female doesn't have the usual pair of chromosomes, or it's damaged. They explained to us that the baby, if she made it to term, would not survive and would look deformed.

It's been 7 years, and I have yet to get past this. My fiancee gets fed up at times and accuses me of neglecting our other children. A part of me knows that I should have been able to move on by now, but the mom in me takes over and I can't stop mourning this child.

My 7 year old saw the pictures once before and made a comment about the
baby looking funny and I couldn't speak to her for 2 days without crying.
Is there a time limit in which we should be allowed to mourn? Does mourning one child mean that you neglect the others?



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Post: #2
03-15-2012, 06:17 AM
member70361 Offline
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RE: Dealing with the loss of a child

You should see a therapist/counselor/psychologist/professional of some sort.

No, there is no time limit.

No, you won't just "get over it" or move on.

Yes, you will always mourn her death.

However, there is a difference between mourning and letting it rule your entire life. You -do- need to find a way of coping and being able to live your life...and care for your children...without letting it ruin you and your family. It's been 7 years of this. And while it's understandable that your child's comment upset you, letting it control 2 full days with crying isn't healthy, especially when it sounds like it's this sort of control over you quite often.

So please, see someone. Get some help. You deserve it and you need to take care of yourself so you can continue taking care of others, too. Maybe you'll be able to find a way to treasure your lost child's memory and importance in some way...commemorate it even. Maybe you'll find a way of coping. But no matter what, you know you do have to do something to be able to return to a healthy life.



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Post: #3
03-15-2012, 09:02 PM
member81599 Offline
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RE: Dealing with the loss of a child

No, there is no time limit where you should be able to mourn. Sometimes people mourn for their entire lives as they are unable to get over a loss of their loved one. This takes time but as each day passes you will begin to heal and feel better about it. I think it is a good idea to see a therapist or a counselor to help you through the situation you are facing. Having someone that you can confide in is very important.
Also, explaining how it makes you feel to the other children may be helpful as well.



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Post: #4
04-09-2012, 08:53 PM
member6844 Offline
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RE: Dealing with the loss of a child

I don't think you ever get past the death of a child. It will always be with you and you have to learn to live with it. It's particularly difficult with an unborn child because you don't have fond memories to look back on, just the loss of what should have been.

However you can't allow mourning for one child to affect the life of another. You need to try to set aside a time to mourn when you can have sometime by yourself, just to think about the child you should have had. Whether this is daily, weekly or monthly, is up to you. Have that time, cry, scream do whatever you need to and thenput it aside, however difficult, and focus on the child that you do have and concentrate on giving her the life she deserves.

Maybe you could talk to your daughter about the child you lost. Not in a serious way, but in passing, so she learns about the sister she should have had.

If you really feel you are unable to bring up your daughter in a happy positive atmosphere then you really must seek help. Learning to live with your sadness won't mean that you are mourning any less. It will just mean that you understand life is for the living.



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Post: #5
04-12-2012, 07:29 AM
member62391 Offline
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RE: Dealing with the loss of a child

It's all right to grieve and mourn over your child but don't let it take control over your life. Always focus on the positive side - that maybe your unborn child will be able to live on through your other children. Life goes on, and so should you. If you're still too much affected by your loss, then you could consider seeking professional help. :)



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Post: #6
04-13-2012, 03:17 AM
member27263 Offline
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RE: Dealing with the loss of a child

(04-12-2012 07:29 AM)angeldrb Wrote:  It's all right to grieve and mourn over your child but don't let it take control over your life. Always focus on the positive side - that maybe your unborn child will be able to live on through your other children. Life goes on, and so should you. If you're still too much affected by your loss, then you could consider seeking professional help. :)


You gave some wonderful advice here. It is very normal to go through the grieving process, which can be a different experience for each person depending on who they are and the details of the loss they experienced. When you feel as though you are not progressing through the grieving process or it has significantly impacted your life, additional help may be necessary. A therapist or another party may be able to give you some advice, additional coping skills, or tips on how to grieve without it impacting your life in a negative way.



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Post: #7
04-14-2012, 12:42 PM
member62391 Offline
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RE: Dealing with the loss of a child

(04-13-2012 03:17 AM)btatro Wrote:  
(04-12-2012 07:29 AM)angeldrb Wrote:  It's all right to grieve and mourn over your child but don't let it take control over your life. Always focus on the positive side - that maybe your unborn child will be able to live on through your other children. Life goes on, and so should you. If you're still too much affected by your loss, then you could consider seeking professional help. :)



You gave some wonderful advice here. It is very normal to go through the grieving process, which can be a different experience for each person depending on who they are and the details of the loss they experienced. When you feel as though you are not progressing through the grieving process or it has significantly impacted your life, additional help may be necessary. A therapist or another party may be able to give you some advice, additional coping skills, or tips on how to grieve without it impacting your life in a negative way.


Thank you. Most people deny themselves their need to grieve and cry; that's very unhealthy because grieving is very important when things like this happen. People need closure first, and they would only achieve that after grieving. Only then will they be able to move on.

For the OP, I wish you all the best. I hope you would cope with your loss in the best way possible and not let it impede your other goals and priorities in life. :)



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Post: #8
09-10-2012, 02:35 PM
member96400 Offline
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RE: Dealing with the loss of a child

Have you considered a support group or something. I feel for you as I experienced the same thing but the diagnosis was different. Carrying a baby knowing that it is not going to survive is a trial. It was so hard with people coming up to you and congratulating you. You need to find a way to heal as you seem to be losing your family and it is not fair to your other kids.



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Post: #9
09-16-2012, 04:27 PM
member29256 Offline
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RE: Dealing with the loss of a child

I am so sorry for your loss, that's all I can think of to say. I also agree with those who are telling you there is no time limit on grief. I have never lost a child but I lost both my parents to this day and it been at least seven years, I can still have moments where I get emotional and miss them. Grief has no real time table, we probably grieve for all of our lives just learn to work through it. But that is the key right there learning to work through it. I think a support group of those who have also lost children might be a good way to start doing this. Also, my parents did lose a child at a young age, although they did learn to work through it, and had their other kids, they never forgot this child, and still thought of him always. This is just the way it is with grief, you move forward but you never forget.



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Post: #10
09-29-2012, 06:03 PM
member25460 Offline
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RE: Dealing with the loss of a child

Firstly, I am so sorry for your loss and I know exactly how you feel as I have been there too. There is no time limit and, in a way, it isn't something you come to terms with fully - it just becomes easier to think about and talk about. I lost my first baby in 1997 and I still think of him, I have told my children too - although I waited until they were an age where I thought they could comprehend it better. Don't feel you have to get over this, mourning the loss of a child is not something you can say well it was x years ago I should be better now. They will always be your child and, rightfully, they have an important place in your family, despite the fact they are not here to share in it. xx



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